Why We Do What We Do

#15: Why Do We Love Justin Timberlake?

2011-12-16T08:09:00.000-08:00

As you sit at the red light, a brotha pulls up next to you in his Escalade (yes, we still drive those). Much to your surprise, you hear him blasting "Like I Love You" through his speakers, with no shame whatsoever. As the light turns green and he continues down the street, you continue to sit there, physically shaken by his bass that you can still feel, although he is already halfway down the next block. As the irate drivers behind you beep their horns, you wonder:

Why do Black people love Justin Timberlake?

It is quite amazing that we have grown to love someone whom we largely ignored or even disliked in the early years of his career. How did JT go from this

to our favorite white boy?

There are several reasons why Black folk - men and women alike - love Justin Timberlake, which I will highlight here:

1) Justin Timberlake is from the South. Memphis, Tennessee to be specific. Why is this relevant? Because it means he likely a) knows how to make proper sweet tea, b) knows how to cook a down home southern meal and c) has at least a moderate amount of soul (this is very key, and will be elaborated upon later). All of these things are very, very important to Black people. Now, because he is from the South, we were originally cautious (they're pretty racist down there) but so far, there have been no incidences, so we're still good.

2) Justin Timberlake knows how to pick 'em. The man has dated white women that even Black men would admit are attractive, such as Cameron Diaz or Britney Spears (before drugs, babies, and Kevin Federline happened). This gives him many cool points in our book. The only thing more he could have done would be to date/marry a Black woman (see: Robin Thicke) thus giving him ultimate credibility (see: Barack Obama). With that said...

3) Janet Jackson. Do you have any idea how many men (black, white, or purple) have dreamed of exposing Janet Jackson's breast... and getting away with it?? Answer: all of us.

4) Justin Timberlake has made the proper collaborations. In his amazing transformation from boy band lead singer to slightly soulful crooner and all around entertainer, JT has teamed up with the likes of Timbaland, Pharell, The Clipse (back when people cared about them), T.I., and countless other rappers. What's the best way to shred your squeaky image and gain some street cred? Partner with those that already do. Justin Bieber hasn't gotten there yet, but he's trying. However, that does bring me to my next point...

5. Justin Timberlake doesn't try too hard. JT knows that he's still white, and he's perfectly fine with that. He's not trying too hard to act Black, and we both recognize and appreciate him for this. Not like this clown...

6. Justin Timberlake can SANG. This may be the most important of them all. You can expose as many breasts and make as many songs with Lil' Wayne as you please, but if you can't SANG, we ain't having it. And no, not "sing," SANG (again, see: Robin Thicke). JT's Memphis roots are likely part of the reason why he can SANG. I mean, let's face it: most white people can't sing very well. There's Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, and that's pretty much it. And two of those guys are dead. What's more is that we didn't see it coming. We knew he could "sing" in his N'Sync days, but we didn't know he could SANG. I will leave you with this last tidbit of information that is also relevant to this point:

All Black people love musicians (of any race) who can make music that makes you want to make babies.

This is an undeniable fact.

Happy Itis Day!

2011-11-25T15:16:00.000-08:00

I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving yesterday! In honor of the tryptophan-induced food coma (see previous post) that you undoubtedly had last night, here's a clip about the Itis.

#14: Why do we not tip well?

2011-11-01T19:02:00.000-07:00

You're now at the tail end of a double-shift. A group walks in and your manager tells you that they've been seated at one of your tables. Oh no! It's your worst fear: a large group of Black people. You walk over, and with slightly less enthusiasm than normal (you have been working 13 hours straight, after all) you say, "H
ello, my name is ____, may I take your order?" One member of the party rolls her eyes at your lack of 100% excitement and mumbles something to the effect of "...ain't getting my tip with an attitude like that." Sure enough, after the party has left, amassing a $120 bill, your tip is... 83 cents??! They couldn't even put a whole dollar on the damn table? Now you throw your hands up and ask:

Why do Black people tip so poorly?

You see, the answer to this question is rooted in history. After Black people were emancipated from slavery, we decided it was time for some payback. We tried poisoning massa's crops, but this yielded limited success, as more and more of us flocked North to the big cities and not many were left in the fields. For a while, we had no definite plan for retribution. However, in the wake of the Civil Rights movement and the end of Jim Crow laws, we saw that we had an in. The Field Negroes might not have gotten their just due (where's my 40 acres and a mule??), but the House Negroes would finally get theirs - generations later.

The plan was simple: we would go to restaurants, and then not tip the white waiters and waitresses! It was perfect! This made up for the hundreds of years that we would cook massa's food and get no sort of payment, much less gratitude. The white restaurant workers were furious, but there was nothing they could do... deny a Black person entry into your restaurant and you could get slapped with a lawsuit. It was sweet, sweet payback indeed.

Unfortunately, like most advancements earned on the backs of freedom fighters in the 50s, 60s, and 70s, our generation has lost the meaning and the spirit of the struggle. Yes, we still don't tip much, but the meaning behind it has been lost. All too often, we just get labeled as difficult to deal with when we're at restaurants. The following is just a sampling of complaints that could lead to a reduced tip at the end of the meal:

- "how come I don't have as many fries on my plate as he does?"

- "this sweet tea isn't sweet enough"

- "there's too much ice in my drink"

- "my bun is too soggy"

- "my food came out too hot"

- "I feel a draft in here" (has absolutely nothing to do with the food)

- "the music in here is too loud" (also has absolutely nothing to do with the food)

and the number one complaint...

- "how come they got their food before we did??" (*note: "they" is always a white couple).

Maybe our love for fried chicken is stronger...

2011-08-28T15:01:00.000-07:00

In a recent post, I noted that Black folk do not actually love fried chicken more so than anyone else, despite what the stereotype says. After watching this video, however, I may be wrong.

#13: Why Do We Not Do Thrill-Seeking Activities?

2011-08-25T21:49:00.000-07:00

Bear Grylls (image #1). He is one crazy S.O.B.

One day I'm watching TV with my white friends and they turn on Man vs. Wild. Much to their surprise, I had never watched this show before. "You've never seen Man vs. Wild??" they said. "Oh you have to watch." From what I gathered, this crazy white man, aptly named Bear Grylls, goes out and tries to survive in crazy locations with limited supplies and resources. Nevermind that there's a friggin camera crew following him around that obviously needs food and shelter and would obviously be carrying all sorts of necessary equipment with them. This guy is totally badass.

While watching this particular episode, I saw one of the most disgusting things EVER. Watch the entire video.

Yeah, that's right. BEAR GRYLLS JUST DRANK HIS PEE. And then he puts the shirt that he just peed on back on himself!! I actually threw up in the back of my mouth when I was watching this. My friends all thought the episode was very cool, and couldn't understand why I was so utterly disgusted. This begged the question:

Why do Black people not do thrill-seeking activities?

The short answer: we have enough crap in our lives to worry about. You see, white peoples' lives are about as bland as British food. Everything is so easy breezy. So to spice things up, they do all kinds of crazy things, like car surfing (image #2), storm chasing, skydiving, bungee jumping (image #3), and heliskiing (image #4; I didn't even know what the hell that was until my co-worker told me about it). You will almost never see one of us doing something that stupid. Hell, Black folk will barely even go camping (no image for this one, because none exist on the Internet). We live in cities; the only animals we deal with are pigeons and squirrels.

Anyways, I digress. We are not thrill seekers because there is no need for a Black person to seek thrills. Look at this list of "thrills" we have to worry about, some on a regular basis:

Driving While Black

Living off food stamps

Living in Texas, Mississippi, or Alabama

Avoiding that crackhead around the corner

Making it home from the bus stop without getting mugged

Surviving past the age of 25

Dating a white girl, then going home to meet her parents

With all these thrills, who needs to go rock climbing with no harness?

#12: Why Do We Love Fried Chicken?

2011-07-29T14:36:00.000-07:00

I’ll never forget when I was a senior in high school. It was a joyous time: graduation, preparing to go off to college, moving out of the house. That spring, I decided to throw a graduation party, and invited my close friends and family. Money was tight, so we decided to throw the party in the small banquet hall of the senior citizen home my grandmom lived in. I made an invite list and cheerfully typed up and sent out directions. When my classmates that I invited received them (spoiler alert: they’re all white) they laughed and laughed. I simply couldn’t figure out what was so funny. They pointed out that my directions read something like this:

…

Turn right at the light

Go down three blocks

The building is right down the street from the Popeye's

Pull into the parking lot on your right.

Now I didn’t see anything wrong there; it’s standard practice to include landmarks in driving directions! However, the use of a national fried chicken joint as said landmark only served as a never-ending source of laughter. We’re all familiar with the stereotype, but I still get asked the question:

Why do Black people love fried chicken?

The answer is actually quite simple: it’s delicious, stupid! Everyone loves fried chicken (image 1). Most people also love grape soda and cornbread. Who could resist a nice juicy piece of watermelon on a hot summer day (images 2 and 3)? No one!

Now, to be fair, there definitely are some foods that are relegated mainly to Black folks: okra and collard greens come to mind (anyone hungry yet?). The real answer is that Black people simply love bold, flavorful food. I’m convinced that Lowry’s (image 4) is the single biggest contributor to high blood pressure among Black people. One day I’m going to do a study to prove it. Additionally, diabetes-in-a-can, a.k.a. Kool-Aid, has surely caused a spike in Type II Diabetes since its creation. We are simply suckers for sugar. But again, who isn’t?

I was riding through the suburbs one day, playing loud rap music and making the old white folks I passed by feel uncomfortable, when I approached a lemonade stand on the corner. Three adorable little girls were out on a hot day, selling homemade lemonade. I wanted to be nice and support their stand, so I bought a cup. The lemonade was horrible! I’m pretty sure there was no sugar in it at all. I advised them to add much more sugar to their lemonade.

Three hours later I drove back past the lemonade stand. In that span of time, somehow a block party got started, a bunch of Black kids were playing by an opened fire plug, and people were dancing to “Cupid Shuffle” in the middle of the street. The little girls said their sales had tripled since I left. That day I taught those girls a valuable business lesson: the power of the Black dollar.

#11: Why Do We Never Wear Sandals?

2010-08-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

Ah the dog days of summer. The time for women to put on their short shorts and mini skirts, and for the guys to bring the muscle shirts and shorts out of the closet. And of course, you've got to let your feet breathe! Everyone, man, woman, and child, puts on their favorite pair of open-toed shoes and walks around. But have you ever seen your Black male friend wear flip-flops or sandals? Nope, he even has his sneakers on at the beach! Of course, this sparks your curiosity and you ask him:

Why do Black guys never wear sandals?

I'm here to tell you the answer is quite simple: Black men have spent so many years playing basketball that their feet simply look atrocious. We don't wear sandals because we don't want to offend the general public like that. See image #1 for how the typical Black man's foot looks by adulthood.

Now do you understand why we don't wear sandals? If we did, we'd all be walking around looking like this dude in image #2... and that just ain't right.

There is, however, one --and only one-- situation in which it is acceptable for a Black man to wear sandals. This is when you have just finished playing ball and want to walk back home in something other than your basketball sneakers. It is only at this time that a brotha may put on sandals*, and must do so with the proper accessories (image #3).

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you have learned something new after reading this. Until next time...

*note: Thong flip flops and Jesus sandals are NEVER acceptable.

#10: Why Do We Always Fall Asleep After Eating?

2010-03-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday night, and you and your friends have gotten together for a fondue party. Your one Black friend, Curtis, was quite talkative and energetic before the fondue was ready. Afterward, however, while you were all about to settle down for a game of Apples to Apples, Curtis was on the couch knocked out, looking something like image #1. Though this is certainly nothing new with Curtis, you are still perplexed, at which point you all ask (quietly, so you don't wake him up):

Why do Black people always fall asleep after eating?

Curtis, like all us Black folk, suffers from a condition as debilitating as it is widespread. That condition is known simply as the itis. The itis (a.k.a. "ethnic fatigue") is worse than sickle cell anemia; studies have shown that it affects 100% of all persons of African descent. The condition is onset at birth and remains throughout one's lifetime, affecting both the young (image 2) and the old (image 3).

But what exactly is the itis, you ask? Urban Dictionary defines the itis as:

"The drowsy sleepy feeling you get after eating a large meal. Usual meals like big Sunday dinners, Thanksgiving and Christmas meals."

Why do all Black people eventually succumb to the itis? It's simple: nearly everything we eat is of a high fat content. Have you ever eaten at a Black person's house? We cook our greens with ham hocks for Christ sake (Who steams vegetables? That's crazy talk.), and use butter and salt on everything else. Every Black family has a can of Crisco in their kitchen somewhere, even if it's just for aesthetics.

The itis can be onset by even more extreme foods. I introduce to you: The Luther (image #4). The Luther is a burger, and it's essential ingredients are:

- hamburger patty

- cheese

- lots of bacon

- 2 Krispy Kreme donuts serving as the bun

That's right, two Krispy Kreme donuts. I bet your just your arteries clogged just reading that didn't they?

So the next time your Black friend/co-worker falls asleep after breakfast, lunch, or dinner, remember, there's nothing he can do about it, he's afflicted by a terrible, terrible disease and should not be ridiculed/fired for doing so.

#9: Why Do We Care For Our Dogs Differently?

2010-02-11T13:46:00.000-08:00

Why Do Black People Care for Their Dogs Differently than Us?

The dog has always been seen as Man's Best Friend. Well, white man's best friend perhaps. Let's be honest: haven't you noticed that white folks are just a little more caring and loving towards their dogs than black people? Have you ever watched Lassie? That show could never have been casted with Black people. It simply wouldn't work. The most obvious reason being that we only own two types of dogs: pitbulls and rottweilers. Seriously, when the last time you saw a brotha walking a chihuahua (image #2) or golden retriever? But anyways, why do we not share the same general love and affection towards dogs?

Let's look back to the 1960s - 1970s Civil Rights Movement. Dogs were our biggest fear and threat right up there with police and fire hoses (see image #3). Since then, Black people have not been so fond of dogs. You never see us hugging and kissing them, or frolicking in the snow with them, or anything of that sort.

Moreover, why DO white people like dogs so much? Well, honestly, I have no idea. I suppose it's just one of those things I'm not meant to understand, like why they love mayonnaise and/or feta cheese on just about anything.

What I do know, is that white people have an affection hierarchy. The hierarchy is as such:

Dogs -> Black people -> Mexicans

How do I know this is true? Just look at recent history. Michael Vick (image #4) was villanized like we have never seen for operating a dog fighting ring. After serving his jail 2-year sentence, many (white) people felt he shouldn't be given a second chance and allowed to play professional football again. That's what the whole point of jail is, to give people a second chance after getting out!

Not too much later, another NFL player who is also Black, Donte Stallworth, gets charged with a DUI and vehicular manslaughter after hitting and killing a pedestrian with his car, who was Hispanic. Stallworth plead guilty and received a 30-day jail sentence. Thirty days?!?! I would get more than that for stealing a pack of cookies out the grocery store! This just proves my point: kill a dog, everybody hates you; kill a mexican, you barely make headlines.

And if you thought I was making this love affair up between white folks and dogs, I leave you with images 5-7 of families in their family portrait ... with their dog. Search Google images for this type of photo with a Black family (not including the Obamas). Go ahead. I bet you that you can't find one.

#8: Why Do We Not Run Outside When It's Cold?

2009-12-16T13:36:00.000-08:00

Hat? Check. Scarf? Check. Coat and gloves? Check.

As I get ready to head out of the door, my roommate (who's white) heads down the stairs and asks, "do you want to go running when you get back from the grocery store?" I look at him in disbelief; first, because of the absurdity of his question (it's 41 degrees outside) and second, because he was not properly dressed for running in the cold -- running shorts that expose entirely too much pasty white thigh, a long sleeve shirt, and a knit hat. "What on earth makes you think I want to go running in this cold weather?" I ask. "What do you mean? It's really not that cold outside!" As I shake my head in utter confusion and walk out the door to go to the store, my roommate asks a question that I'm sure many of you have also asked:

"Why do Black people not go running outside when it's cold?"

It should be noted, first and foremost, that Black people don't like to do anything in the cold, much less running. Have you ever noticed that your Black friend never wants to join you in any outdoor activities between the months of November and March? Ever noticed how miserable a Black person looks when they are outside in the cold? Have you ever seen a Black person in any Winter Olympics events? Know any Black NHL players? Exactly, you don't. This is because we have a natural aversion to cold, it's genetic. Likewise, white people are genetically more suited for cold weather. See image #1 for a chart that should give you some perspective.

Let's look first at the nose. White people generally have longer noses (see image #2). This creates a longer nasal pathway for the inhaled air to travel. This is advantageous in the winter, as the cold air has a longer distance to travel (compared to our shorter, broader noses) before it reaches the internal airways, and is warmer when it reaches that point, as a result.

Second, is the amount of body hair. A white person is generally hairier than one of us colored folk of the same gender. See image #3 for an example of a natural body hair sweater. White people can last considerably longer in the cold, and wear less layers of clothing doing so!

Lastly, I'd like to point out that we don't really go long-distance running anyway, even if it's warm. Unless you're Kenyan.

#7: Why Do We Get Annoyed When You Ask Us to Teach You How to Dance?

2009-11-02T13:30:00.000-08:00

It's Friday night. You're and your buddies (including your one Black friend) are out at a club. You're feeling a little left out, because all the ladies are dancing with your Black friend, and not with you or your other friends. So you do what any white person in your situation would do: ask your Black friend how to dance! Surely he'll be able to instruct you on some fly moves which will get the ladies' attention. Much to your chagrin, when you ask your Black friend for his tutelage, he rolls his eyes in disgust, then turns his attention back to the young lady backing it up on him to the latest Lil' Wayne hit. At this point, you scratch your head and ask:

Why do Black people get annoyed when I ask them to teach me how to dance?

I am here to let you know that the answer is not what you might think it is. It is not that we don't want to take the time to help our white friends dance better. The problem is: we know that, no matter how hard we try, your ability to dance will never improve to the point where it is acceptable to display in any public venue. It's impossible. White people have many talents (taking over other people's lands and claiming it as their own, for example -- see Manifest Destiny), but dancing has never been one of them. We know this, and it annoys us that you all haven't realized this yet and stopped asking us to be your personal dance instructor.

What happens when, inevitably, you ask us to dance? You get hit with the mean mug. A "mean mug" is an facial expression of utter disgust and contempt. See the image for an example:

Surely you've seen this sort of expression on your Black friend's face before? Other questions/requests for a Black person that will get you hit with the mean mug include:

- lesson on how to rap

- where the best place is to get some friend chicken

- interpretation on what some other Black person on tv/radio said (see post #4 on slang)

- "How do get your hair like that?" (again, see image #1)

- where is the nearest weed spot

- can you borrow a du-rag/chain/pair of baggy jeans because you want to be White Trash for Halloween

If you are ever hit with the mean mug, it is best to just make a sad face and apologize immediately.

#6: Why Do We Never Go to the Gym?

2009-10-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

Health disparities amongst Black women have been well documented. Black women are more likely to suffer and even die from stroke, heart disease, and -- especially -- diabetes than their white counterparts. Many of these problems can be alleviated by proper diet and a regular excercise regimen. However, as anyone who goes to a gym can attest to, you'll never see a Black woman there. (Image #1, above, was clearly doctored to make it appear as if a sista was in the gym) Is it that we're lazy? No that doesn't explain it. So, in this post I will answer the question:

Why Do Black Women never go to the Gym?

A friend of mine (white female) who does competitive weightlifting asked me the other day why Black women, who are notorious for their rotund rear ends, do not do more squats in the gym, since their beautiful, large posteriors could serve as a natural competitive advantage. I explained to her that the bigger question is why Black women don't go to the gym period. The answer also explains why every Black woman owns an umbrella and why you'll never see them in the pool at a pool party.

Black women don't like messing up their hair.

It's a plain and simple fact. Water (whether its coming down from the sky, or up from the pores in your scalp) is to a Black woman's hair what kryptonite is to Superman. *note: if you playfully throw a Black woman into a pool at a pool party, you ass WILL get beat* See image #2: this lady looks miserable not because she didn't enjoy the scuba diving experience, but because her hair got wet in the process.

A white girl may ask, well why can't you just fix your hair back up when you get home? Silly white girl! A black woman's grooming process is an event in and of itself, and cannot be accomplished by oneself in just one evening, or in the morning before work. If you hear a Black woman say "I'm going to get my hair did tomorrow," expect her to be gone all day. Don't plan anything with her from 8am - 4pm, because she will not be available.

Anyways, I digress. Black women do not go to the gym because they spent entirely too much money and time on getting their hair looking good to mess it up in just one trip to the gym. If you see a Black woman on the treadmill, then she is either 1) one of those few sistas that doesn't care that much about her hair or 2) is getting her hair done the next day anyway.

Despite the health disparities I pointed out earlier, obviously not all black women are unhealthy. How do you manage to stay healthy/in-shape and yet never go to the gym? The answer is simple: go to the club. Two to four hours of getting low and backing it up every Friday and Saturday night is enough to keep a sista in good shape.

It is important to know that at the club, all hair rules are thrown out the window. Sweating out weaves is acceptable in the club, and only in the club.

I hope you've learned something new about our culture. Til next time...

#5: Why Do We Remix Our Songs?

2009-10-18T09:30:00.000-07:00

Why do Black People remix their songs?

Black culture is quite fond of remixing just about anything. It keeps things fresh, and allows us to enjoy something old in a new and different way. We will remix almost anything; from the Mohawk (see image #1) to “trendy” eyeglasses (see image #2), for instance.

Fittingly, our rap music is no different. If a song achieves any amount of commercial success on the radio, expect there to be a remix. Remixing serves a prudent business purpose as well: it’s a quick and easy method of giving the artist added exposure and fame, while eliminating the risk of introducing a brand new song to the public, where its reception is unpredictable.

In order to make a remix, there are 3 essential elements (listed in reverse order of importance):

1) a different beat than the original song (This is the least important factor. Plenty of remixes have been made that utilize the exact same beat as the original).

2) different lyrics

3) an appearance by T-Pain and/or Lil’ Wayne.

Note that #3 is by far the most important of the three elements. Plenty of remixes to a song can be made – any DJ can mix and match stuff to a beat – but a remix can hardly be considered official if Lil’ Wayne or T-Pain (see image #3) is not featured.

As a last point, it should be noted that “mashing” is NOT remixing. Mashing is a concept that white people made up to try and make rap more appealing to them, by adding music that they like to the words/beat of some popular rap song. I don’t care how many times you mix Jay-Z and Linkin Park, it’s not a proper remix. Please see the video below of a “mash-up.” After listening, I hope you will understand why this abomination will never be acceptable in the hip-hop community.

#4: Why Do We Use Slang?

2009-09-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

Slang. From "jive turkey" to "fo shizzle," white people have been struggling to comprehend what Black people are saying to each other for decades. Why do we continue to use slang, at the risk of ostracizing our white friends? Well, first of all, it should be noted that we don't really have white friends. Unless we're in a work/school environment where there's nothing but white people around, in which case we make friends for networking/career-advancing purposes only. We can only take so many "Friends"/"Seinfeld" references infused into daily conversation, or people asking to touch our hair. So this begs the question...

Why Do Black People Use Slang?

Unlike our colored brethren (Puerto Ricans, Mexicans, people from South America, etc.) we lack a true language barrier to shield us, and allow us to say whatever we want about white people without them knowing. So to put us on an even playing field, we developed slang. It was our way of introducing a language barrier between us and white people so we can talk about them, unbeknown to them.

Have you ever been on a bus and heard the following?

"Yo, real talk, that dude up there is trippin. Casper bout to get murked if he look at me funny one more time"

Essentially, he is saying he will inflict pain upon you if you give him a suspicious look one more time, real talk. It should also be noted that he is making fun of your pasty, sun-reflecting complexion.

[note: I know that the above scenario isn't very realistic, as white people don't ride public transportation buses. It scares them. (It should also be noted that your college shuttle system doesn't count as public transportation.) Furthermore, any white person that actually rides the bus has probably lived around Black people long enough to understand what was just said. However, I hope you were able to get past the obvious limitations of my example and understand the main point.]

Here's a fun quiz to see how well you know slang. See if you can understand these phrases...

1) Yo I keeps it 100, all day err day.

2) Did you see the white boy wearin flip-flops in the middle of winter? Dude is wildin!

3) Oooo you see the jawn in the mini skirt, she got a donk!

If you understood...

3/3 phrases: Are you sure you're white? You may want to get a DNA test; it's possible you're just real light skinned.

2/3: You're one of those white people that actually rides public transportation buses aren't you?

1/3: Not bad! I bet your one Black friend taught you that one didn't he?

0/3: It's ok, that's what Urban Dictionary is for.

More on Urban Dictionary in a future post. Til next time, check out this video. I think it's quite informative.

#3: Why Do We Spank Our Kids?

2009-09-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

Why do Black People Spank Their Kids?

Have you ever been to the grocery store and seen the following..

Little White Boy: Mommy, I want some candy.

Mom: No son, no candy before dinner.

LWB: Mommy, I said I want that candy!

Mom: Now now, I told you before no candy.

LWB: Mommy I WANT SOME CANDY NOW!! *throws tantrum*

Mom: I'm going to count to three. One... two... three.

...

And then nothing happened! Now, this would never happen if it were a Black kid and his momma. Case in point...

Tyree: Momma, I want some candy.

Momma: Boy, you know you can't have no candy before dinner.

Tyree: Ma, I said I want that candy!

Momma: *smack* Boy don't you talk back to me. I said you ain't gettin no candy.

Tyree: Yes momma.

Our culture simply does not accept a child's misbehaving. As a matter of fact, there is a rule that if one Black adult sees a kid misbehaving and the parents aren't around, he/she is allowed to beat that kid's behind, no questions asked. And, the kid will get his butt beat once he actually gets home.

Now, why don't we use more conventional methods of child rearing, such as "talking it out", "counting to 10," or enforcing a "time out?" Well, white kids for generations have shown us that these methods simply are not effective. Please see image #2 and the video below for examples of what Black kids would never do to their parents.

What are some behind-beating instruments that can be used? Well, there are many examples, including:

the back of your hand

a rolled up newspaper
a spatula
a slipper or sandal

an extension cord
the back of a Guitar Hero guitar
a switch (I don't actually know what a switch is, but ask any old southern Black woman and she will tell you).

I hope your eyes have been opened to another facet of our culture. Til next time...

#2: Why Do We Put on Lotion Daily?

2009-08-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

In part 2 of this series, I'd like to touch on something that I've personally been asked several hundred times, dating back from the first time I ever had a sleepover at a white kid's house when I was little: "why do you have to put lotion on?" Well, for those of you who were curious and asking that very same question, let me explain...

Black people are fearful of many things. These include the NYPD, getting turned down for a loan, all white juries, a worldwide watermelon shortage, and the states of Texas, Mississippi, and central Pennsylvania. One thing we also fear no less than the previously mentioned things, unbeknown to non-Black (and Brown) people, is being ashy out in public.

Why are we so afraid to go out in public if we're ashy? Because we'll get clowned! (Aside: being "clowned" means to be ridiculed endlessly.) An example of something one could say to us would be:

"Your feet look like you've been kickboxing a sack of flour"

among others. Please see image #1 for an example of an ashy black man. Notice how unattractive this is?

Now, how do we Black folks remedy this problem? That's right, lotion! There are many kinds of lotion, you really can't go wrong with any of them. Check out image #2 to appreciate a sista with some well-moisturized skin. Notice the beautiful glow on that mahogany-complexioned skin!

Aside from the avoidance of being clowned, lotion serves a long-term, practical purpose. Daily moisturizing can curb the natural aging process of the skin. This is why, say, a 75-year-old Black woman can look like she's 60 while a 75-year-old white woman looks, well, 75.

I hope you have all learned something new about Black people. Til next time...

#1: Why Do We Wear Du Rags?

2009-08-26T09:03:00.000-07:00

It has recently come to my attention that I have done you all a huge disservice. Despite the fact that it is 2009, I was dismayed to find that people still don't understand some basic things about Black people, aside from the fact that we have an affinity for fried chicken or Kool-aid, or that we're generally good at basketball. But then I realized that I should not pass judgement; instead, I will do my part to educate and enlighten you. So, I am beginning this series entitled, "Why We Do What We Do." Lesson one is about why Black men wear du-rags. I hope that you all find this educational and informative!

Black people wear du rags (or alternatively, wave caps) in order to avoid having nappy hair. Now, what is nappy hair? Urban dictionary defines nappy hair as: "Tightly coiled / curled unaltered hair. Coiled hair in its natural state". Now, this is not to say that nappy hair is necessarily a bad thing, however, not everyone wants to walk around with nappy hair.

So what is the proper way to avoid nappy hair for a Black man? Well, there are three basic steps:

Apply hair grease. it's not actually grease, we don't go get crisco from the grocery store and put it in our hair. Rather, it is a hair conditioner made especially for hair of our type.
Brush hair. Yes, Black people do need to brush their hair! We do this to"train" the hair to lay down and get out of its tightened, curly state.
Put on du rag. For best effects, it is best to leave the du-rag on for an appreciable amount of time, overnight for example.

Please take a look at the pictures below for a visual representation of the difference between a gentleman who wears a du rag, and one who does not.