#16: Why Do We Not Go Camping?

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You and your buddies are planning to go on your annual camping trip. It's something you start looking forward to pretty much the day after you return home from the previous years' camping trip. Campfires, marshmallow s'mores, hiking, kayaking, and sleeping under the stars is on tap for the next four days. You've been becoming good friends with Reggie, the one Black guy in your office. The campsite you're in has room for one more person, so you decide to ask him if he'd like to join. After promptly laughing in your face for five straight minutes, he politely tells you "hell to the no." It is at this point you ask:

Why do Black people never go camping?

I have two theories as to why white people love camping so much. First, white people like the challenge of being one with nature. They've spent so many centuries killing nature and removing themselves from it, that they now want to go back and show they can still coexist with it. My second theory is that camping allows white folks to show their continued dominance over nature: "I conquered you before, I can survive you again."

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On the flip side, ever since your days in Boy Scouts, you've known that Black people generally don't care for camping. Remember when the one Black kid in your troop would participate in every activity *except* camping? And that one time when his Mom raised hell with the Scoutmaster and said "my boy is NOT going out in them woods!"

Black people don't avoid camping because we don't like nature, contrary to popular belief. The reason we don't like to be out in nature is because we're tired of it. Our ancestors worked in the fields all damn day and, while they may not have slept in tents, they did sleep in shacks, often right on the ground. Once we gained our freedom, Black people said, "I's free! I's free! I'ma bilds me uh hahse, n I ain gon neva eva live aht in de naytcha no mo."

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Another thing, cities (major metropolitan areas, that is) are generally inhabited by two kinds of people: Black people and hipsters. In the city, we're used to just a few basic animals, mainly pigeons and squirrels. Anything else (cockroaches and mice not included) is scary and should be fled from or killed on site. I recall seeing an opossum outside my house in West Philly once, and, not knowing what it was, thought "oh my god! kill that thing! kill it!!" My point is, we don't deal well with the random animals that are in the woods. If I saw a fox, I wouldn't know what in the hell to do. A bear? Well, that would pretty much just be the end of me.

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http://twistofdynamite.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/tent-by-holisticgeek.jpg?w=500&h=375

#15: Why Do We Love Justin Timberlake?

As you sit at the red light, a brotha pulls up next to you in his Escalade (yes, we still drive those). Much to your surprise, you hear him blasting "Like I Love You" through his speakers, with no shame whatsoever. As the light turns green and he continues down the street, you continue to sit there, physically shaken by his bass that you can still feel, although he is already halfway down the next block. As the irate drivers behind you beep their horns, you wonder:

Why do Black people love Justin Timberlake?

It is quite amazing that we have grown to love someone whom we largely ignored or even disliked in the early years of his career. How did JT go from this

to our favorite white boy?

There are several reasons why Black folk - men and women alike - love Justin Timberlake, which I will highlight here:

1) Justin Timberlake is from the South. Memphis, Tennessee to be specific. Why is this relevant? Because it means he likely a) knows how to make proper sweet tea, b) knows how to cook a down home southern meal and c) has at least a moderate amount of soul (this is very key, and will be elaborated upon later). All of these things are very, very important to Black people. Now, because he is from the South, we were originally cautious (they're pretty racist down there) but so far, there have been no incidences, so we're still good.

2) Justin Timberlake knows how to pick 'em. The man has dated white women that even Black men would admit are attractive, such as Cameron Diaz or Britney Spears (before drugs, babies, and Kevin Federline happened). This gives him many cool points in our book. The only thing more he could have done would be to date/marry a Black woman (see: Robin Thicke) thus giving him ultimate credibility (see: Barack Obama). With that said...

3) Janet Jackson. Do you have any idea how many men (black, white, or purple) have dreamed of exposing Janet Jackson's breast... and getting away with it?? Answer: all of us.

4) Justin Timberlake has made the proper collaborations. In his amazing transformation from boy band lead singer to slightly soulful crooner and all around entertainer, JT has teamed up with the likes of Timbaland, Pharell, The Clipse (back when people cared about them), T.I., and countless other rappers. What's the best way to shred your squeaky image and gain some street cred? Partner with those that already do. Justin Bieber hasn't gotten there yet, but he's trying. However, that does bring me to my next point...

5. Justin Timberlake doesn't try too hard. JT knows that he's still white, and he's perfectly fine with that. He's not trying too hard to act Black, and we both recognize and appreciate him for this. Not like this clown...

6. Justin Timberlake can SANG. This may be the most important of them all. You can expose as many breasts and make as many songs with Lil' Wayne as you please, but if you can't SANG, we ain't having it. And no, not "sing," SANG (again, see: Robin Thicke). JT's Memphis roots are likely part of the reason why he can SANG. I mean, let's face it: most white people can't sing very well. There's Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, and that's pretty much it. And two of those guys are dead. What's more is that we didn't see it coming. We knew he could "sing" in his N'Sync days, but we didn't know he could SANG. I will leave you with this last tidbit of information that is also relevant to this point:

All Black people love musicians (of any race) who can make music that makes you want to make babies.

This is an undeniable fact.

Happy Itis Day!

I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving yesterday! In honor of the tryptophan-induced food coma (see previous post) that you undoubtedly had last night, here's a clip about the Itis.