#12: Why Do We Love Fried Chicken?

I’ll never forget when I was a senior in high school. It was a joyous time: graduation, preparing to go off to college, moving out of the house. That spring, I decided to throw a graduation party, and invited my close friends and family. Money was tight, so we decided to throw the party in the small banquet hall of the senior citizen home my grandmom lived in. I made an invite list and cheerfully typed up and sent out directions. When my classmates that I invited received them (spoiler alert: they’re all white) they laughed and laughed. I simply couldn’t figure out what was so funny. They pointed out that my directions read something like this:

…

Turn right at the light

Go down three blocks

The building is right down the street from the Popeye's

Pull into the parking lot on your right.

Now I didn’t see anything wrong there; it’s standard practice to include landmarks in driving directions! However, the use of a national fried chicken joint as said landmark only served as a never-ending source of laughter. We’re all familiar with the stereotype, but I still get asked the question:

Why do Black people love fried chicken?

The answer is actually quite simple: it’s delicious, stupid! Everyone loves fried chicken (image 1). Most people also love grape soda and cornbread. Who could resist a nice juicy piece of watermelon on a hot summer day (images 2 and 3)? No one!

Now, to be fair, there definitely are some foods that are relegated mainly to Black folks: okra and collard greens come to mind (anyone hungry yet?). The real answer is that Black people simply love bold, flavorful food. I’m convinced that Lowry’s (image 4) is the single biggest contributor to high blood pressure among Black people. One day I’m going to do a study to prove it. Additionally, diabetes-in-a-can, a.k.a. Kool-Aid, has surely caused a spike in Type II Diabetes since its creation. We are simply suckers for sugar. But again, who isn’t?

I was riding through the suburbs one day, playing loud rap music and making the old white folks I passed by feel uncomfortable, when I approached a lemonade stand on the corner. Three adorable little girls were out on a hot day, selling homemade lemonade. I wanted to be nice and support their stand, so I bought a cup. The lemonade was horrible! I’m pretty sure there was no sugar in it at all. I advised them to add much more sugar to their lemonade.

Three hours later I drove back past the lemonade stand. In that span of time, somehow a block party got started, a bunch of Black kids were playing by an opened fire plug, and people were dancing to “Cupid Shuffle” in the middle of the street. The little girls said their sales had tripled since I left. That day I taught those girls a valuable business lesson: the power of the Black dollar.

#11: Why Do We Never Wear Sandals?

Ah the dog days of summer. The time for women to put on their short shorts and mini skirts, and for the guys to bring the muscle shirts and shorts out of the closet. And of course, you've got to let your feet breathe! Everyone, man, woman, and child, puts on their favorite pair of open-toed shoes and walks around. But have you ever seen your Black male friend wear flip-flops or sandals? Nope, he even has his sneakers on at the beach! Of course, this sparks your curiosity and you ask him:

Why do Black guys never wear sandals?

I'm here to tell you the answer is quite simple: Black men have spent so many years playing basketball that their feet simply look atrocious. We don't wear sandals because we don't want to offend the general public like that. See image #1 for how the typical Black man's foot looks by adulthood.

Now do you understand why we don't wear sandals? If we did, we'd all be walking around looking like this dude in image #2... and that just ain't right.

There is, however, one --and only one-- situation in which it is acceptable for a Black man to wear sandals. This is when you have just finished playing ball and want to walk back home in something other than your basketball sneakers. It is only at this time that a brotha may put on sandals*, and must do so with the proper accessories (image #3).

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you have learned something new after reading this. Until next time...

*note: Thong flip flops and Jesus sandals are NEVER acceptable.

#10: Why Do We Always Fall Asleep After Eating?

It's Saturday night, and you and your friends have gotten together for a fondue party. Your one Black friend, Curtis, was quite talkative and energetic before the fondue was ready. Afterward, however, while you were all about to settle down for a game of Apples to Apples, Curtis was on the couch knocked out, looking something like image #1. Though this is certainly nothing new with Curtis, you are still perplexed, at which point you all ask (quietly, so you don't wake him up):

Why do Black people always fall asleep after eating?

Curtis, like all us Black folk, suffers from a condition as debilitating as it is widespread. That condition is known simply as the itis. The itis (a.k.a. "ethnic fatigue") is worse than sickle cell anemia; studies have shown that it affects 100% of all persons of African descent. The condition is onset at birth and remains throughout one's lifetime, affecting both the young (image 2) and the old (image 3).

But what exactly is the itis, you ask? Urban Dictionary defines the itis as:

"The drowsy sleepy feeling you get after eating a large meal. Usual meals like big Sunday dinners, Thanksgiving and Christmas meals."

Why do all Black people eventually succumb to the itis? It's simple: nearly everything we eat is of a high fat content. Have you ever eaten at a Black person's house? We cook our greens with ham hocks for Christ sake (Who steams vegetables? That's crazy talk.), and use butter and salt on everything else. Every Black family has a can of Crisco in their kitchen somewhere, even if it's just for aesthetics.

The itis can be onset by even more extreme foods. I introduce to you: The Luther (image #4). The Luther is a burger, and it's essential ingredients are:

- hamburger patty

- cheese

- lots of bacon

- 2 Krispy Kreme donuts serving as the bun

That's right, two Krispy Kreme donuts. I bet your just your arteries clogged just reading that didn't they?

So the next time your Black friend/co-worker falls asleep after breakfast, lunch, or dinner, remember, there's nothing he can do about it, he's afflicted by a terrible, terrible disease and should not be ridiculed/fired for doing so.