Maybe our love for fried chicken is stronger...

In a recent post, I noted that Black folk do not actually love fried chicken more so than anyone else, despite what the stereotype says. After watching this video, however, I may be wrong.

#13: Why Do We Not Do Thrill-Seeking Activities?

Bear Grylls (image #1). He is one crazy S.O.B.

One day I'm watching TV with my white friends and they turn on Man vs. Wild. Much to their surprise, I had never watched this show before. "You've never seen Man vs. Wild??" they said. "Oh you have to watch." From what I gathered, this crazy white man, aptly named Bear Grylls, goes out and tries to survive in crazy locations with limited supplies and resources. Nevermind that there's a friggin camera crew following him around that obviously needs food and shelter and would obviously be carrying all sorts of necessary equipment with them. This guy is totally badass.

While watching this particular episode, I saw one of the most disgusting things EVER. Watch the entire video.

Yeah, that's right. BEAR GRYLLS JUST DRANK HIS PEE. And then he puts the shirt that he just peed on back on himself!! I actually threw up in the back of my mouth when I was watching this. My friends all thought the episode was very cool, and couldn't understand why I was so utterly disgusted. This begged the question:

Why do Black people not do thrill-seeking activities?

The short answer: we have enough crap in our lives to worry about. You see, white peoples' lives are about as bland as British food. Everything is so easy breezy. So to spice things up, they do all kinds of crazy things, like car surfing (image #2), storm chasing, skydiving, bungee jumping (image #3), and heliskiing (image #4; I didn't even know what the hell that was until my co-worker told me about it). You will almost never see one of us doing something that stupid. Hell, Black folk will barely even go camping (no image for this one, because none exist on the Internet). We live in cities; the only animals we deal with are pigeons and squirrels.

Anyways, I digress. We are not thrill seekers because there is no need for a Black person to seek thrills. Look at this list of "thrills" we have to worry about, some on a regular basis:

Driving While Black

Living off food stamps

Living in Texas, Mississippi, or Alabama

Avoiding that crackhead around the corner

Making it home from the bus stop without getting mugged

Surviving past the age of 25

Dating a white girl, then going home to meet her parents

With all these thrills, who needs to go rock climbing with no harness?

#12: Why Do We Love Fried Chicken?

I’ll never forget when I was a senior in high school. It was a joyous time: graduation, preparing to go off to college, moving out of the house. That spring, I decided to throw a graduation party, and invited my close friends and family. Money was tight, so we decided to throw the party in the small banquet hall of the senior citizen home my grandmom lived in. I made an invite list and cheerfully typed up and sent out directions. When my classmates that I invited received them (spoiler alert: they’re all white) they laughed and laughed. I simply couldn’t figure out what was so funny. They pointed out that my directions read something like this:

…

Turn right at the light

Go down three blocks

The building is right down the street from the Popeye's

Pull into the parking lot on your right.

Now I didn’t see anything wrong there; it’s standard practice to include landmarks in driving directions! However, the use of a national fried chicken joint as said landmark only served as a never-ending source of laughter. We’re all familiar with the stereotype, but I still get asked the question:

Why do Black people love fried chicken?

The answer is actually quite simple: it’s delicious, stupid! Everyone loves fried chicken (image 1). Most people also love grape soda and cornbread. Who could resist a nice juicy piece of watermelon on a hot summer day (images 2 and 3)? No one!

Now, to be fair, there definitely are some foods that are relegated mainly to Black folks: okra and collard greens come to mind (anyone hungry yet?). The real answer is that Black people simply love bold, flavorful food. I’m convinced that Lowry’s (image 4) is the single biggest contributor to high blood pressure among Black people. One day I’m going to do a study to prove it. Additionally, diabetes-in-a-can, a.k.a. Kool-Aid, has surely caused a spike in Type II Diabetes since its creation. We are simply suckers for sugar. But again, who isn’t?

I was riding through the suburbs one day, playing loud rap music and making the old white folks I passed by feel uncomfortable, when I approached a lemonade stand on the corner. Three adorable little girls were out on a hot day, selling homemade lemonade. I wanted to be nice and support their stand, so I bought a cup. The lemonade was horrible! I’m pretty sure there was no sugar in it at all. I advised them to add much more sugar to their lemonade.

Three hours later I drove back past the lemonade stand. In that span of time, somehow a block party got started, a bunch of Black kids were playing by an opened fire plug, and people were dancing to “Cupid Shuffle” in the middle of the street. The little girls said their sales had tripled since I left. That day I taught those girls a valuable business lesson: the power of the Black dollar.