#8: Why Do We Not Run Outside When It's Cold?

Hat? Check. Scarf? Check. Coat and gloves? Check.

As I get ready to head out of the door, my roommate (who's white) heads down the stairs and asks, "do you want to go running when you get back from the grocery store?" I look at him in disbelief; first, because of the absurdity of his question (it's 41 degrees outside) and second, because he was not properly dressed for running in the cold -- running shorts that expose entirely too much pasty white thigh, a long sleeve shirt, and a knit hat. "What on earth makes you think I want to go running in this cold weather?" I ask. "What do you mean? It's really not that cold outside!" As I shake my head in utter confusion and walk out the door to go to the store, my roommate asks a question that I'm sure many of you have also asked:

"Why do Black people not go running outside when it's cold?"

It should be noted, first and foremost, that Black people don't like to do anything in the cold, much less running. Have you ever noticed that your Black friend never wants to join you in any outdoor activities between the months of November and March? Ever noticed how miserable a Black person looks when they are outside in the cold? Have you ever seen a Black person in any Winter Olympics events? Know any Black NHL players? Exactly, you don't. This is because we have a natural aversion to cold, it's genetic. Likewise, white people are genetically more suited for cold weather. See image #1 for a chart that should give you some perspective.

Let's look first at the nose. White people generally have longer noses (see image #2). This creates a longer nasal pathway for the inhaled air to travel. This is advantageous in the winter, as the cold air has a longer distance to travel (compared to our shorter, broader noses) before it reaches the internal airways, and is warmer when it reaches that point, as a result.

Second, is the amount of body hair. A white person is generally hairier than one of us colored folk of the same gender. See image #3 for an example of a natural body hair sweater. White people can last considerably longer in the cold, and wear less layers of clothing doing so!

Lastly, I'd like to point out that we don't really go long-distance running anyway, even if it's warm. Unless you're Kenyan.

#7: Why Do We Get Annoyed When You Ask Us to Teach You How to Dance?

It's Friday night. You're and your buddies (including your one Black friend) are out at a club. You're feeling a little left out, because all the ladies are dancing with your Black friend, and not with you or your other friends. So you do what any white person in your situation would do: ask your Black friend how to dance! Surely he'll be able to instruct you on some fly moves which will get the ladies' attention. Much to your chagrin, when you ask your Black friend for his tutelage, he rolls his eyes in disgust, then turns his attention back to the young lady backing it up on him to the latest Lil' Wayne hit. At this point, you scratch your head and ask:

Why do Black people get annoyed when I ask them to teach me how to dance?

I am here to let you know that the answer is not what you might think it is. It is not that we don't want to take the time to help our white friends dance better. The problem is: we know that, no matter how hard we try, your ability to dance will never improve to the point where it is acceptable to display in any public venue. It's impossible. White people have many talents (taking over other people's lands and claiming it as their own, for example -- see Manifest Destiny), but dancing has never been one of them. We know this, and it annoys us that you all haven't realized this yet and stopped asking us to be your personal dance instructor.

What happens when, inevitably, you ask us to dance? You get hit with the mean mug. A "mean mug" is an facial expression of utter disgust and contempt. See the image for an example:

Surely you've seen this sort of expression on your Black friend's face before? Other questions/requests for a Black person that will get you hit with the mean mug include:

- lesson on how to rap

- where the best place is to get some friend chicken

- interpretation on what some other Black person on tv/radio said (see post #4 on slang)

- "How do get your hair like that?" (again, see image #1)

- where is the nearest weed spot

- can you borrow a du-rag/chain/pair of baggy jeans because you want to be White Trash for Halloween

If you are ever hit with the mean mug, it is best to just make a sad face and apologize immediately.

#6: Why Do We Never Go to the Gym?

Health disparities amongst Black women have been well documented. Black women are more likely to suffer and even die from stroke, heart disease, and -- especially -- diabetes than their white counterparts. Many of these problems can be alleviated by proper diet and a regular excercise regimen. However, as anyone who goes to a gym can attest to, you'll never see a Black woman there. (Image #1, above, was clearly doctored to make it appear as if a sista was in the gym) Is it that we're lazy? No that doesn't explain it. So, in this post I will answer the question:

Why Do Black Women never go to the Gym?

A friend of mine (white female) who does competitive weightlifting asked me the other day why Black women, who are notorious for their rotund rear ends, do not do more squats in the gym, since their beautiful, large posteriors could serve as a natural competitive advantage. I explained to her that the bigger question is why Black women don't go to the gym period. The answer also explains why every Black woman owns an umbrella and why you'll never see them in the pool at a pool party.

Black women don't like messing up their hair.

It's a plain and simple fact. Water (whether its coming down from the sky, or up from the pores in your scalp) is to a Black woman's hair what kryptonite is to Superman. *note: if you playfully throw a Black woman into a pool at a pool party, you ass WILL get beat* See image #2: this lady looks miserable not because she didn't enjoy the scuba diving experience, but because her hair got wet in the process.

A white girl may ask, well why can't you just fix your hair back up when you get home? Silly white girl! A black woman's grooming process is an event in and of itself, and cannot be accomplished by oneself in just one evening, or in the morning before work. If you hear a Black woman say "I'm going to get my hair did tomorrow," expect her to be gone all day. Don't plan anything with her from 8am - 4pm, because she will not be available.

Anyways, I digress. Black women do not go to the gym because they spent entirely too much money and time on getting their hair looking good to mess it up in just one trip to the gym. If you see a Black woman on the treadmill, then she is either 1) one of those few sistas that doesn't care that much about her hair or 2) is getting her hair done the next day anyway.

Despite the health disparities I pointed out earlier, obviously not all black women are unhealthy. How do you manage to stay healthy/in-shape and yet never go to the gym? The answer is simple: go to the club. Two to four hours of getting low and backing it up every Friday and Saturday night is enough to keep a sista in good shape.

It is important to know that at the club, all hair rules are thrown out the window. Sweating out weaves is acceptable in the club, and only in the club.

I hope you've learned something new about our culture. Til next time...