#8: Why Do We Not Run Outside When It's Cold?

Hat? Check. Scarf? Check. Coat and gloves? Check.

As I get ready to head out of the door, my roommate (who's white) heads down the stairs and asks, "do you want to go running when you get back from the grocery store?" I look at him in disbelief; first, because of the absurdity of his question (it's 41 degrees outside) and second, because he was not properly dressed for running in the cold -- running shorts that expose entirely too much pasty white thigh, a long sleeve shirt, and a knit hat. "What on earth makes you think I want to go running in this cold weather?" I ask. "What do you mean? It's really not that cold outside!" As I shake my head in utter confusion and walk out the door to go to the store, my roommate asks a question that I'm sure many of you have also asked:

"Why do Black people not go running outside when it's cold?"

It should be noted, first and foremost, that Black people don't like to do anything in the cold, much less running. Have you ever noticed that your Black friend never wants to join you in any outdoor activities between the months of November and March? Ever noticed how miserable a Black person looks when they are outside in the cold? Have you ever seen a Black person in any Winter Olympics events? Know any Black NHL players? Exactly, you don't. This is because we have a natural aversion to cold, it's genetic. Likewise, white people are genetically more suited for cold weather. See image #1 for a chart that should give you some perspective.

Let's look first at the nose. White people generally have longer noses (see image #2). This creates a longer nasal pathway for the inhaled air to travel. This is advantageous in the winter, as the cold air has a longer distance to travel (compared to our shorter, broader noses) before it reaches the internal airways, and is warmer when it reaches that point, as a result.

Second, is the amount of body hair. A white person is generally hairier than one of us colored folk of the same gender. See image #3 for an example of a natural body hair sweater. White people can last considerably longer in the cold, and wear less layers of clothing doing so!

Lastly, I'd like to point out that we don't really go long-distance running anyway, even if it's warm. Unless you're Kenyan.

#7: Why Do We Get Annoyed When You Ask Us to Teach You How to Dance?

It's Friday night. You're and your buddies (including your one Black friend) are out at a club. You're feeling a little left out, because all the ladies are dancing with your Black friend, and not with you or your other friends. So you do what any white person in your situation would do: ask your Black friend how to dance! Surely he'll be able to instruct you on some fly moves which will get the ladies' attention. Much to your chagrin, when you ask your Black friend for his tutelage, he rolls his eyes in disgust, then turns his attention back to the young lady backing it up on him to the latest Lil' Wayne hit. At this point, you scratch your head and ask:

Why do Black people get annoyed when I ask them to teach me how to dance?

I am here to let you know that the answer is not what you might think it is. It is not that we don't want to take the time to help our white friends dance better. The problem is: we know that, no matter how hard we try, your ability to dance will never improve to the point where it is acceptable to display in any public venue. It's impossible. White people have many talents (taking over other people's lands and claiming it as their own, for example -- see Manifest Destiny), but dancing has never been one of them. We know this, and it annoys us that you all haven't realized this yet and stopped asking us to be your personal dance instructor.

What happens when, inevitably, you ask us to dance? You get hit with the mean mug. A "mean mug" is an facial expression of utter disgust and contempt. See the image for an example:

Surely you've seen this sort of expression on your Black friend's face before? Other questions/requests for a Black person that will get you hit with the mean mug include:

- lesson on how to rap

- where the best place is to get some friend chicken

- interpretation on what some other Black person on tv/radio said (see post #4 on slang)

- "How do get your hair like that?" (again, see image #1)

- where is the nearest weed spot

- can you borrow a du-rag/chain/pair of baggy jeans because you want to be White Trash for Halloween

If you are ever hit with the mean mug, it is best to just make a sad face and apologize immediately.

#6: Why Do We Never Go to the Gym?

Health disparities amongst Black women have been well documented. Black women are more likely to suffer and even die from stroke, heart disease, and -- especially -- diabetes than their white counterparts. Many of these problems can be alleviated by proper diet and a regular excercise regimen. However, as anyone who goes to a gym can attest to, you'll never see a Black woman there. (Image #1, above, was clearly doctored to make it appear as if a sista was in the gym) Is it that we're lazy? No that doesn't explain it. So, in this post I will answer the question:

Why Do Black Women never go to the Gym?

A friend of mine (white female) who does competitive weightlifting asked me the other day why Black women, who are notorious for their rotund rear ends, do not do more squats in the gym, since their beautiful, large posteriors could serve as a natural competitive advantage. I explained to her that the bigger question is why Black women don't go to the gym period. The answer also explains why every Black woman owns an umbrella and why you'll never see them in the pool at a pool party.

Black women don't like messing up their hair.

It's a plain and simple fact. Water (whether its coming down from the sky, or up from the pores in your scalp) is to a Black woman's hair what kryptonite is to Superman. *note: if you playfully throw a Black woman into a pool at a pool party, you ass WILL get beat* See image #2: this lady looks miserable not because she didn't enjoy the scuba diving experience, but because her hair got wet in the process.

A white girl may ask, well why can't you just fix your hair back up when you get home? Silly white girl! A black woman's grooming process is an event in and of itself, and cannot be accomplished by oneself in just one evening, or in the morning before work. If you hear a Black woman say "I'm going to get my hair did tomorrow," expect her to be gone all day. Don't plan anything with her from 8am - 4pm, because she will not be available.

Anyways, I digress. Black women do not go to the gym because they spent entirely too much money and time on getting their hair looking good to mess it up in just one trip to the gym. If you see a Black woman on the treadmill, then she is either 1) one of those few sistas that doesn't care that much about her hair or 2) is getting her hair done the next day anyway.

Despite the health disparities I pointed out earlier, obviously not all black women are unhealthy. How do you manage to stay healthy/in-shape and yet never go to the gym? The answer is simple: go to the club. Two to four hours of getting low and backing it up every Friday and Saturday night is enough to keep a sista in good shape.

It is important to know that at the club, all hair rules are thrown out the window. Sweating out weaves is acceptable in the club, and only in the club.

I hope you've learned something new about our culture. Til next time...

#5: Why Do We Remix Our Songs?

Why do Black People remix their songs?

Black culture is quite fond of remixing just about anything. It keeps things fresh, and allows us to enjoy something old in a new and different way. We will remix almost anything; from the Mohawk (see image #1) to “trendy” eyeglasses (see image #2), for instance.

Fittingly, our rap music is no different. If a song achieves any amount of commercial success on the radio, expect there to be a remix. Remixing serves a prudent business purpose as well: it’s a quick and easy method of giving the artist added exposure and fame, while eliminating the risk of introducing a brand new song to the public, where its reception is unpredictable.

In order to make a remix, there are 3 essential elements (listed in reverse order of importance):

1) a different beat than the original song (This is the least important factor. Plenty of remixes have been made that utilize the exact same beat as the original).

2) different lyrics

3) an appearance by T-Pain and/or Lil’ Wayne.

Note that #3 is by far the most important of the three elements. Plenty of remixes to a song can be made – any DJ can mix and match stuff to a beat – but a remix can hardly be considered official if Lil’ Wayne or T-Pain (see image #3) is not featured.

As a last point, it should be noted that “mashing” is NOT remixing. Mashing is a concept that white people made up to try and make rap more appealing to them, by adding music that they like to the words/beat of some popular rap song. I don’t care how many times you mix Jay-Z and Linkin Park, it’s not a proper remix. Please see the video below of a “mash-up.” After listening, I hope you will understand why this abomination will never be acceptable in the hip-hop community.

#4: Why Do We Use Slang?

Slang. From "jive turkey" to "fo shizzle," white people have been struggling to comprehend what Black people are saying to each other for decades. Why do we continue to use slang, at the risk of ostracizing our white friends? Well, first of all, it should be noted that we don't really have white friends. Unless we're in a work/school environment where there's nothing but white people around, in which case we make friends for networking/career-advancing purposes only. We can only take so many "Friends"/"Seinfeld" references infused into daily conversation, or people asking to touch our hair. So this begs the question...

Why Do Black People Use Slang?

Unlike our colored brethren (Puerto Ricans, Mexicans, people from South America, etc.) we lack a true language barrier to shield us, and allow us to say whatever we want about white people without them knowing. So to put us on an even playing field, we developed slang. It was our way of introducing a language barrier between us and white people so we can talk about them, unbeknown to them.

Have you ever been on a bus and heard the following?

"Yo, real talk, that dude up there is trippin. Casper bout to get murked if he look at me funny one more time"

Essentially, he is saying he will inflict pain upon you if you give him a suspicious look one more time, real talk. It should also be noted that he is making fun of your pasty, sun-reflecting complexion.

[note: I know that the above scenario isn't very realistic, as white people don't ride public transportation buses. It scares them. (It should also be noted that your college shuttle system doesn't count as public transportation.) Furthermore, any white person that actually rides the bus has probably lived around Black people long enough to understand what was just said. However, I hope you were able to get past the obvious limitations of my example and understand the main point.]

Here's a fun quiz to see how well you know slang. See if you can understand these phrases...

1) Yo I keeps it 100, all day err day.

2) Did you see the white boy wearin flip-flops in the middle of winter? Dude is wildin!

3) Oooo you see the jawn in the mini skirt, she got a donk!

If you understood...

3/3 phrases: Are you sure you're white? You may want to get a DNA test; it's possible you're just real light skinned.

2/3: You're one of those white people that actually rides public transportation buses aren't you?

1/3: Not bad! I bet your one Black friend taught you that one didn't he?

0/3: It's ok, that's what Urban Dictionary is for.

More on Urban Dictionary in a future post. Til next time, check out this video. I think it's quite informative.

#3: Why Do We Spank Our Kids?

Why do Black People Spank Their Kids?

Have you ever been to the grocery store and seen the following..

Little White Boy: Mommy, I want some candy.

Mom: No son, no candy before dinner.

LWB: Mommy, I said I want that candy!

Mom: Now now, I told you before no candy.

LWB: Mommy I WANT SOME CANDY NOW!! *throws tantrum*

Mom: I'm going to count to three. One... two... three.

...

And then nothing happened! Now, this would never happen if it were a Black kid and his momma. Case in point...

Tyree: Momma, I want some candy.

Momma: Boy, you know you can't have no candy before dinner.

Tyree: Ma, I said I want that candy!

Momma: *smack* Boy don't you talk back to me. I said you ain't gettin no candy.

Tyree: Yes momma.

Our culture simply does not accept a child's misbehaving. As a matter of fact, there is a rule that if one Black adult sees a kid misbehaving and the parents aren't around, he/she is allowed to beat that kid's behind, no questions asked. And, the kid will get his butt beat once he actually gets home.

Now, why don't we use more conventional methods of child rearing, such as "talking it out", "counting to 10," or enforcing a "time out?" Well, white kids for generations have shown us that these methods simply are not effective. Please see image #2 and the video below for examples of what Black kids would never do to their parents.

What are some behind-beating instruments that can be used? Well, there are many examples, including:

the back of your hand

a rolled up newspaper
a spatula
a slipper or sandal

an extension cord
the back of a Guitar Hero guitar
a switch (I don't actually know what a switch is, but ask any old southern Black woman and she will tell you).

I hope your eyes have been opened to another facet of our culture. Til next time...

#2: Why Do We Put on Lotion Daily?

In part 2 of this series, I'd like to touch on something that I've personally been asked several hundred times, dating back from the first time I ever had a sleepover at a white kid's house when I was little: "why do you have to put lotion on?" Well, for those of you who were curious and asking that very same question, let me explain...

Black people are fearful of many things. These include the NYPD, getting turned down for a loan, all white juries, a worldwide watermelon shortage, and the states of Texas, Mississippi, and central Pennsylvania. One thing we also fear no less than the previously mentioned things, unbeknown to non-Black (and Brown) people, is being ashy out in public.

Why are we so afraid to go out in public if we're ashy? Because we'll get clowned! (Aside: being "clowned" means to be ridiculed endlessly.) An example of something one could say to us would be:

"Your feet look like you've been kickboxing a sack of flour"

among others. Please see image #1 for an example of an ashy black man. Notice how unattractive this is?

Now, how do we Black folks remedy this problem? That's right, lotion! There are many kinds of lotion, you really can't go wrong with any of them. Check out image #2 to appreciate a sista with some well-moisturized skin. Notice the beautiful glow on that mahogany-complexioned skin!

Aside from the avoidance of being clowned, lotion serves a long-term, practical purpose. Daily moisturizing can curb the natural aging process of the skin. This is why, say, a 75-year-old Black woman can look like she's 60 while a 75-year-old white woman looks, well, 75.

I hope you have all learned something new about Black people. Til next time...

#1: Why Do We Wear Du Rags?

It has recently come to my attention that I have done you all a huge disservice. Despite the fact that it is 2009, I was dismayed to find that people still don't understand some basic things about Black people, aside from the fact that we have an affinity for fried chicken or Kool-aid, or that we're generally good at basketball. But then I realized that I should not pass judgement; instead, I will do my part to educate and enlighten you. So, I am beginning this series entitled, "Why We Do What We Do." Lesson one is about why Black men wear du-rags. I hope that you all find this educational and informative!

Black people wear du rags (or alternatively, wave caps) in order to avoid having nappy hair. Now, what is nappy hair? Urban dictionary defines nappy hair as: "Tightly coiled / curled unaltered hair. Coiled hair in its natural state". Now, this is not to say that nappy hair is necessarily a bad thing, however, not everyone wants to walk around with nappy hair.

So what is the proper way to avoid nappy hair for a Black man? Well, there are three basic steps:

1. Apply hair grease. it's not actually grease, we don't go get crisco from the grocery store and put it in our hair. Rather, it is a hair conditioner made especially for hair of our type.
2. Brush hair. Yes, Black people do need to brush their hair! We do this to"train" the hair to lay down and get out of its tightened, curly state.
3. Put on du rag. For best effects, it is best to leave the du-rag on for an appreciable amount of time, overnight for example.

Please take a look at the pictures below for a visual representation of the difference between a gentleman who wears a du rag, and one who does not.