#11: Why Do We Never Wear Sandals?

Ah the dog days of summer. The time for women to put on their short shorts and mini skirts, and for the guys to bring the muscle shirts and shorts out of the closet. And of course, you've got to let your feet breathe! Everyone, man, woman, and child, puts on their favorite pair of open-toed shoes and walks around. But have you ever seen your Black male friend wear flip-flops or sandals? Nope, he even has his sneakers on at the beach! Of course, this sparks your curiosity and you ask him:

Why do Black guys never wear sandals?

I'm here to tell you the answer is quite simple: Black men have spent so many years playing basketball that their feet simply look atrocious. We don't wear sandals because we don't want to offend the general public like that. See image #1 for how the typical Black man's foot looks by adulthood.

Now do you understand why we don't wear sandals? If we did, we'd all be walking around looking like this dude in image #2... and that just ain't right.

There is, however, one --and only one-- situation in which it is acceptable for a Black man to wear sandals. This is when you have just finished playing ball and want to walk back home in something other than your basketball sneakers. It is only at this time that a brotha may put on sandals*, and must do so with the proper accessories (image #3).

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you have learned something new after reading this. Until next time...

*note: Thong flip flops and Jesus sandals are NEVER acceptable.

#10: Why Do We Always Fall Asleep After Eating?

It's Saturday night, and you and your friends have gotten together for a fondue party. Your one Black friend, Curtis, was quite talkative and energetic before the fondue was ready. Afterward, however, while you were all about to settle down for a game of Apples to Apples, Curtis was on the couch knocked out, looking something like image #1. Though this is certainly nothing new with Curtis, you are still perplexed, at which point you all ask (quietly, so you don't wake him up):

Why do Black people always fall asleep after eating?

Curtis, like all us Black folk, suffers from a condition as debilitating as it is widespread. That condition is known simply as the itis. The itis (a.k.a. "ethnic fatigue") is worse than sickle cell anemia; studies have shown that it affects 100% of all persons of African descent. The condition is onset at birth and remains throughout one's lifetime, affecting both the young (image 2) and the old (image 3).

But what exactly is the itis, you ask? Urban Dictionary defines the itis as:

"The drowsy sleepy feeling you get after eating a large meal. Usual meals like big Sunday dinners, Thanksgiving and Christmas meals."

Why do all Black people eventually succumb to the itis? It's simple: nearly everything we eat is of a high fat content. Have you ever eaten at a Black person's house? We cook our greens with ham hocks for Christ sake (Who steams vegetables? That's crazy talk.), and use butter and salt on everything else. Every Black family has a can of Crisco in their kitchen somewhere, even if it's just for aesthetics.

The itis can be onset by even more extreme foods. I introduce to you: The Luther (image #4). The Luther is a burger, and it's essential ingredients are:

- hamburger patty

- cheese

- lots of bacon

- 2 Krispy Kreme donuts serving as the bun

That's right, two Krispy Kreme donuts. I bet your just your arteries clogged just reading that didn't they?

So the next time your Black friend/co-worker falls asleep after breakfast, lunch, or dinner, remember, there's nothing he can do about it, he's afflicted by a terrible, terrible disease and should not be ridiculed/fired for doing so.

#9: Why Do We Care For Our Dogs Differently?

Why Do Black People Care for Their Dogs Differently than Us?

The dog has always been seen as Man's Best Friend. Well, white man's best friend perhaps. Let's be honest: haven't you noticed that white folks are just a little more caring and loving towards their dogs than black people? Have you ever watched Lassie? That show could never have been casted with Black people. It simply wouldn't work. The most obvious reason being that we only own two types of dogs: pitbulls and rottweilers. Seriously, when the last time you saw a brotha walking a chihuahua (image #2) or golden retriever? But anyways, why do we not share the same general love and affection towards dogs?

Let's look back to the 1960s - 1970s Civil Rights Movement. Dogs were our biggest fear and threat right up there with police and fire hoses (see image #3). Since then, Black people have not been so fond of dogs. You never see us hugging and kissing them, or frolicking in the snow with them, or anything of that sort.

Moreover, why DO white people like dogs so much? Well, honestly, I have no idea. I suppose it's just one of those things I'm not meant to understand, like why they love mayonnaise and/or feta cheese on just about anything.

What I do know, is that white people have an affection hierarchy. The hierarchy is as such:

Dogs -> Black people -> Mexicans

How do I know this is true? Just look at recent history. Michael Vick (image #4) was villanized like we have never seen for operating a dog fighting ring. After serving his jail 2-year sentence, many (white) people felt he shouldn't be given a second chance and allowed to play professional football again. That's what the whole point of jail is, to give people a second chance after getting out!

Not too much later, another NFL player who is also Black, Donte Stallworth, gets charged with a DUI and vehicular manslaughter after hitting and killing a pedestrian with his car, who was Hispanic. Stallworth plead guilty and received a 30-day jail sentence. Thirty days?!?! I would get more than that for stealing a pack of cookies out the grocery store! This just proves my point: kill a dog, everybody hates you; kill a mexican, you barely make headlines.

And if you thought I was making this love affair up between white folks and dogs, I leave you with images 5-7 of families in their family portrait ... with their dog. Search Google images for this type of photo with a Black family (not including the Obamas). Go ahead. I bet you that you can't find one.