#15: Why Do We Love Justin Timberlake?

As you sit at the red light, a brotha pulls up next to you in his Escalade (yes, we still drive those). Much to your surprise, you hear him blasting "Like I Love You" through his speakers, with no shame whatsoever. As the light turns green and he continues down the street, you continue to sit there, physically shaken by his bass that you can still feel, although he is already halfway down the next block. As the irate drivers behind you beep their horns, you wonder:

Why do Black people love Justin Timberlake?

It is quite amazing that we have grown to love someone whom we largely ignored or even disliked in the early years of his career. How did JT go from this

to our favorite white boy?

There are several reasons why Black folk - men and women alike - love Justin Timberlake, which I will highlight here:

1) Justin Timberlake is from the South. Memphis, Tennessee to be specific. Why is this relevant? Because it means he likely a) knows how to make proper sweet tea, b) knows how to cook a down home southern meal and c) has at least a moderate amount of soul (this is very key, and will be elaborated upon later). All of these things are very, very important to Black people. Now, because he is from the South, we were originally cautious (they're pretty racist down there) but so far, there have been no incidences, so we're still good.

2) Justin Timberlake knows how to pick 'em. The man has dated white women that even Black men would admit are attractive, such as Cameron Diaz or Britney Spears (before drugs, babies, and Kevin Federline happened). This gives him many cool points in our book. The only thing more he could have done would be to date/marry a Black woman (see: Robin Thicke) thus giving him ultimate credibility (see: Barack Obama). With that said...

3) Janet Jackson. Do you have any idea how many men (black, white, or purple) have dreamed of exposing Janet Jackson's breast... and getting away with it?? Answer: all of us.

4) Justin Timberlake has made the proper collaborations. In his amazing transformation from boy band lead singer to slightly soulful crooner and all around entertainer, JT has teamed up with the likes of Timbaland, Pharell, The Clipse (back when people cared about them), T.I., and countless other rappers. What's the best way to shred your squeaky image and gain some street cred? Partner with those that already do. Justin Bieber hasn't gotten there yet, but he's trying. However, that does bring me to my next point...

5. Justin Timberlake doesn't try too hard. JT knows that he's still white, and he's perfectly fine with that. He's not trying too hard to act Black, and we both recognize and appreciate him for this. Not like this clown...

6. Justin Timberlake can SANG. This may be the most important of them all. You can expose as many breasts and make as many songs with Lil' Wayne as you please, but if you can't SANG, we ain't having it. And no, not "sing," SANG (again, see: Robin Thicke). JT's Memphis roots are likely part of the reason why he can SANG. I mean, let's face it: most white people can't sing very well. There's Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, and that's pretty much it. And two of those guys are dead. What's more is that we didn't see it coming. We knew he could "sing" in his N'Sync days, but we didn't know he could SANG. I will leave you with this last tidbit of information that is also relevant to this point:

All Black people love musicians (of any race) who can make music that makes you want to make babies.

This is an undeniable fact.

Happy Itis Day!

I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving yesterday! In honor of the tryptophan-induced food coma (see previous post) that you undoubtedly had last night, here's a clip about the Itis.

#14: Why do we not tip well?

You're now at the tail end of a double-shift. A group walks in and your manager tells you that they've been seated at one of your tables. Oh no! It's your worst fear: a large group of Black people. You walk over, and with slightly less enthusiasm than normal (you have been working 13 hours straight, after all) you say, "H
ello, my name is ____, may I take your order?" One member of the party rolls her eyes at your lack of 100% excitement and mumbles something to the effect of "...ain't getting my tip with an attitude like that." Sure enough, after the party has left, amassing a $120 bill, your tip is... 83 cents??! They couldn't even put a whole dollar on the damn table? Now you throw your hands up and ask:

Why do Black people tip so poorly?

You see, the answer to this question is rooted in history. After Black people were emancipated from slavery, we decided it was time for some payback. We tried poisoning massa's crops, but this yielded limited success, as more and more of us flocked North to the big cities and not many were left in the fields. For a while, we had no definite plan for retribution. However, in the wake of the Civil Rights movement and the end of Jim Crow laws, we saw that we had an in. The Field Negroes might not have gotten their just due (where's my 40 acres and a mule??), but the House Negroes would finally get theirs - generations later.

The plan was simple: we would go to restaurants, and then not tip the white waiters and waitresses! It was perfect! This made up for the hundreds of years that we would cook massa's food and get no sort of payment, much less gratitude. The white restaurant workers were furious, but there was nothing they could do... deny a Black person entry into your restaurant and you could get slapped with a lawsuit. It was sweet, sweet payback indeed.

Unfortunately, like most advancements earned on the backs of freedom fighters in the 50s, 60s, and 70s, our generation has lost the meaning and the spirit of the struggle. Yes, we still don't tip much, but the meaning behind it has been lost. All too often, we just get labeled as difficult to deal with when we're at restaurants. The following is just a sampling of complaints that could lead to a reduced tip at the end of the meal:

- "how come I don't have as many fries on my plate as he does?"

- "this sweet tea isn't sweet enough"

- "there's too much ice in my drink"

- "my bun is too soggy"

- "my food came out too hot"

- "I feel a draft in here" (has absolutely nothing to do with the food)

- "the music in here is too loud" (also has absolutely nothing to do with the food)

and the number one complaint...

- "how come they got their food before we did??" (*note: "they" is always a white couple).

Maybe our love for fried chicken is stronger...

In a recent post, I noted that Black folk do not actually love fried chicken more so than anyone else, despite what the stereotype says. After watching this video, however, I may be wrong.

#13: Why Do We Not Do Thrill-Seeking Activities?

Bear Grylls (image #1). He is one crazy S.O.B.

One day I'm watching TV with my white friends and they turn on Man vs. Wild. Much to their surprise, I had never watched this show before. "You've never seen Man vs. Wild??" they said. "Oh you have to watch." From what I gathered, this crazy white man, aptly named Bear Grylls, goes out and tries to survive in crazy locations with limited supplies and resources. Nevermind that there's a friggin camera crew following him around that obviously needs food and shelter and would obviously be carrying all sorts of necessary equipment with them. This guy is totally badass.

While watching this particular episode, I saw one of the most disgusting things EVER. Watch the entire video.

Yeah, that's right. BEAR GRYLLS JUST DRANK HIS PEE. And then he puts the shirt that he just peed on back on himself!! I actually threw up in the back of my mouth when I was watching this. My friends all thought the episode was very cool, and couldn't understand why I was so utterly disgusted. This begged the question:

Why do Black people not do thrill-seeking activities?

The short answer: we have enough crap in our lives to worry about. You see, white peoples' lives are about as bland as British food. Everything is so easy breezy. So to spice things up, they do all kinds of crazy things, like car surfing (image #2), storm chasing, skydiving, bungee jumping (image #3), and heliskiing (image #4; I didn't even know what the hell that was until my co-worker told me about it). You will almost never see one of us doing something that stupid. Hell, Black folk will barely even go camping (no image for this one, because none exist on the Internet). We live in cities; the only animals we deal with are pigeons and squirrels.

Anyways, I digress. We are not thrill seekers because there is no need for a Black person to seek thrills. Look at this list of "thrills" we have to worry about, some on a regular basis:

Driving While Black

Living off food stamps

Living in Texas, Mississippi, or Alabama

Avoiding that crackhead around the corner

Making it home from the bus stop without getting mugged

Surviving past the age of 25

Dating a white girl, then going home to meet her parents

With all these thrills, who needs to go rock climbing with no harness?

#12: Why Do We Love Fried Chicken?

I’ll never forget when I was a senior in high school. It was a joyous time: graduation, preparing to go off to college, moving out of the house. That spring, I decided to throw a graduation party, and invited my close friends and family. Money was tight, so we decided to throw the party in the small banquet hall of the senior citizen home my grandmom lived in. I made an invite list and cheerfully typed up and sent out directions. When my classmates that I invited received them (spoiler alert: they’re all white) they laughed and laughed. I simply couldn’t figure out what was so funny. They pointed out that my directions read something like this:

…

Turn right at the light

Go down three blocks

The building is right down the street from the Popeye's

Pull into the parking lot on your right.

Now I didn’t see anything wrong there; it’s standard practice to include landmarks in driving directions! However, the use of a national fried chicken joint as said landmark only served as a never-ending source of laughter. We’re all familiar with the stereotype, but I still get asked the question:

Why do Black people love fried chicken?

The answer is actually quite simple: it’s delicious, stupid! Everyone loves fried chicken (image 1). Most people also love grape soda and cornbread. Who could resist a nice juicy piece of watermelon on a hot summer day (images 2 and 3)? No one!

Now, to be fair, there definitely are some foods that are relegated mainly to Black folks: okra and collard greens come to mind (anyone hungry yet?). The real answer is that Black people simply love bold, flavorful food. I’m convinced that Lowry’s (image 4) is the single biggest contributor to high blood pressure among Black people. One day I’m going to do a study to prove it. Additionally, diabetes-in-a-can, a.k.a. Kool-Aid, has surely caused a spike in Type II Diabetes since its creation. We are simply suckers for sugar. But again, who isn’t?

I was riding through the suburbs one day, playing loud rap music and making the old white folks I passed by feel uncomfortable, when I approached a lemonade stand on the corner. Three adorable little girls were out on a hot day, selling homemade lemonade. I wanted to be nice and support their stand, so I bought a cup. The lemonade was horrible! I’m pretty sure there was no sugar in it at all. I advised them to add much more sugar to their lemonade.

Three hours later I drove back past the lemonade stand. In that span of time, somehow a block party got started, a bunch of Black kids were playing by an opened fire plug, and people were dancing to “Cupid Shuffle” in the middle of the street. The little girls said their sales had tripled since I left. That day I taught those girls a valuable business lesson: the power of the Black dollar.